While Choosing a Spouse…A Few Advice

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Author: Nisaar Nadiadwala

What makes a person likeable? To reach a proper answer, let us add another question similar to it.. What makes a dress likeable? The fitting, its comfort, its looks, style and the pleasure that we get when we wear it makes us like a particular dress. We carry our clothes upon our body or our clothes are with us on our body and they hide our physical weakness and our body. Allah the Wisest says: Hunna libaasulakum wa antum lilbasunahunna.. Your wives are your garments and you are their garments…

What makes a person likeable? Let us repeat the question. His deen, his habits, looks (pleasing looks, not glamour) way of speaking, his activities, makes a person lovable or unlovable.

Like Branded Dresses, some people prefer branded brides and grooms while some prefer rich ones. This is one extreme of choosing spouses. The other extreme, Some girls and boys delay their marriages hoping to be like a branded prospective bride or groom or wait for a branded wife or a groom.

Many people put forth this hadith as an excuse for delaying marriages: O Young Men! Those who can afford, let them marry……So they say.. we can’t afford. I asked a young man when he said, I can’t afford. What do you can’t afford? Luxury? Branded watches and dresses for your wife? Expensive holidays? Tasty Restaurants? Lavish House? Car? It is a gross misunderstanding of hadith. Affordable means basic amenities, but many young men disqualify themselves by applying the parameters of materialism.

The qualities that are liked by Allah are the qualities that you should look in your prospective spouse. Very Simple? The Prophet (pbuh) said to Abdul Khair.. You have two qualities that Allah and his Messenger like.. Forbearance and Sabr.. The man asked.. Were they gifted in me or did I acquired?.. He replied. They were gifted in you. It is not essential to own wealth to be a generous. Hatim Tai was not rich yet his generosity flourished. The Quraish of Makkkah were not the richest tribe of Arabia, yet they provided hospitality to the Pilgrims. In the same way bravery is not always seen in battle field. It can be experienced in day to day life too when one confronts a house lizard or cockroaches….!

What are the benefits of marrying a person of religious inclination?

1. He/ she is in constant touch with Allah through regular salah and dhikr.

2. He/She is charitable towards the needy.. and know that charity drives away calamities, making your life safer.

3. He /She is well mannered… and everybody likes a well-mannered person. He/She is welcomed in every gathering and people like him/her

4. He/ She will stop you from committing evil and correct you if you err.

5. He/She will correct himself/herself when pointed or remind mistakes or sins.

6. He/She will stop you from making unIslamic decisions by giving you Islamic inputs

7. He /She will bring up children Islamically, thus a happy old age…

8 ……. 9 …… 10 ….. add your own benefits to the list.

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Now trending: Inter-caste marriages!

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Author: Iram Siddique

"Masha Allah! That's a rewardable act beta!" he said to his neighbour's son when he got the news of him marrying a non-Muslim girl after reverting her to Islam. Little do people know that he objected his own son's wish of marrying a Muslim girl because she was not from his khandan (family). Well, this is an example of both, a form of hypocrisy still prevailing in large sections of our Muslim society and of an emerging trend being followed by young Muslims largely of marrying non-Muslims, and their families either taking pride in it or boycotting them both in the wrong sense.

Islam allows marrying chaste women of the books (Jews & Christians). But in a time where chastity is a rarity in the Muslim world itself, to look for it outside is really foolish. And I am pretty sure that majority of those who commit such an act would have not even bothered to check the religious ruling on it and they have only helped in increasing the number of single Muslim women over the years. The non-Muslim’s cultural influence, liberal, modern Muslims peer group, the non-Muslim social circle, lack of Islamic knowledge, are some of the most common factors enhancing this new trend in the Muslim world. There are two types of reverts, one who embrace Islam out of free will, Allah guides them and the other who enter Islam just because they fall for a Muslim person who puts to them the only choice of becoming a Muslim in order to get married to them irrespective of whether they do it from their heart or just for the heck of it. Unfortunately, according to me, the latter is a more common reason bringing new Muslims to Islam in our Hindu majority nation, India.

Talking from my experience and observation about the latter ones, they either turn out to be the best of Muslims or a great Fitna!

Case 1:

I know someone who is also a dear friend to me and like an elder sister to me who embraced Islam because her husband is a Muslim. She is one of those very few who reverted from her heart, praying five times and performing other religious obligations consistently has made her an example in our neighbourhood to follow, Masha Allah! But as Allah tests each one of us, her test started with her own husband, who was the medium in getting her into Islam and who sadly became also the medium of her tests. He gradually started with depriving her even of her basic rights which she had over him, to the extent of threatening her with a divorce just for the sake of his parents who were not happy at all with his decision of marrying not only a Hindu but also someone who has not brought anything in marriage (dowry). They regularly humiliated, oppressed her, and were not as welcoming as the gentleman mentioned above, just because she was a Hindu who affected their family's dignity, their honor, who trapped their innocent son, who eventually let their heads down in their family. Their fear would have been still justified had she not followed our religion well, had she been a disobedient wife or an immodest woman, had they been good Muslims themselves who feared hypocrisy from her that may affect the environment at home and the upbringing of their future generation. The husband, who seemed to be a practicing Muslim to her, eventually revealed his true face which she didn't identified earlier.

How can a "good" Muslim guy/girl fall for a non-Muslim girl/guy? It is absolutely indigestible, insensible and will only make sense to those who don't know Islam properly.

Talking about this woman's in-laws, they deprived her of even the basic rights. They treated her almost like an untouchable, to an extent that she was left to suffer alone for months at a government hospital when she was expecting her first baby and had serious complications, with no one ever checking on her except for her husband who used to come just like the nurses did, out of formality. They have no compassion, no care towards the patient, just an obligation! Her Imaan was tested to the extreme level yet she never regretted the decision of becoming a Muslim. When I used to visit her during that time, my only motive was to help her in difficulty and keep her dying hope alive. I gave her audios of the Tafseer of Surah Maryam, read out to her inspirational Islamic stories, about patience and forbearance in Islam. I used to tell her that this is a test from the Lord to only bring her closer to Him. Anyhow I didn't wanted her Imaan to drop to the level where she regrets her decision of becoming a Muslim because she expressed it many times - out of the trauma and depression - how much she was regretting of abandoning her family and community for someone who she loved more than them. Believe me, they started questioning her decision of embracing Islam, this is the height of oppression. For me this is one of the gravest mistakes or sins that a born Muslim can commit. But these tests only made her stronger. She emerged out of it with a stronger Imaan, stronger belief in her Qadr, Alhamdulillah! Not everyone has that level of Imaan to realize the betterment behind the tests and trials of life. Not everyone has that ability to look beyond life, putting their trust in Allah SWT alone. "Verily, Allah sends astray whom He wills, and guides whom He wills." [Faatir, 35:8]

Case 2:

According to me this kind of new Muslims are many. I'm talking about those who enter Islam and remain in it only for the one who brought them into, and not for the One who gave them this golden chance – i.e. Allah! A cousin of my sister’s friend got married to a Jain-Gujarati girl who initially performed few basic obligations to show off to everyone around especially her husband that she is now a Muslim. Now her husband and in-laws luckily (for her) belonged to the liberal, modern Muslim category. So there were no religious restrictions as such and this only encouraged her to disobey Allah more. So she is not only to be blamed entirely for this as her in laws themselves failed to practice the religion on a better scale. Nothing changed much for this girl except her name on her Nikah-naama (marriage certificate), government documents, and social media. She does not only enjoy the freedom to keep her old name and nicknames related to it but also an absolute liberty to post pictures of her partying and clubbing in immodest dressing! And her oh-so-loving-husband doesn't mind because he is still rejoicing the ‘fact’ that she changed her religion for him!

I learnt from both the cases that the prohibited act of marrying a non-Muslim can be changed into a rewardable act if the Muslims strive to invite such people to Islam only in the manners prescribed by the Shari'ah. We should strive to project the true picture of Islam through our own actions and behavior. We should give them their due rights and treat them with hospitality. Our attitude can lead the new-comer into a blessing or a fitnah.

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About the Author:

Iram Siddique, an undergraduate in commerce, has a passion to write on subjects related to Islam, particularly, ignored religious issues, misconceptions and wrong practices in the Muslim society. A homemaker residing in Abu Dhabi, born and brought up in Mumbai, India; she holds a keen interest in gaining Islamic Knowledge to practice.

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A moving story... Second wife!

Saturday, June 14, 2014

The words reverberated through my brain. Why? Am I not good enough? Never! I will never accept a second wife! If you want a second wife you can go out and get one as long as you know that I will not be here when you come back!

Those were my words to my husband a few years ago when he mentioned to me that he is intending to marry again a second time. It was a woman recently divorced, 4 children. She is having a hard time, he said, she don't know where the next meal is coming from or how to provide adequately for her children. "Where is their father?" I asked, "Can't he take care of his own kids? Why do you a strange man have to carry another man's burden? Surely there are other ways that you can help her out financially without having to MARRY her!

I could not imagine myself in a plural marriage. Sharing my husband with another woman. Sharing his love, his smiles, his jokes with a woman other than myself. I could not fathom him holding her close and whispering loving words in her ears. It was unacceptable. An outrage. After all I have been to him. Wife, lover, mother, doctor, housekeeper. I raised 3 of his beautiful children. How can he insult me by marrying another woman as if I am not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not young enough or just plain not ENOUGH!

NO! I could not accept that and I vehemently made my stance clear to him. If she walks in, I walk out! Plain and simple. If he is willing to risk our marriage, our life, our children for another woman, then he must go ahead. I will not stand for it!

It all seems so many years ago now. When I thought that life would last forever and that nothing will ever change. But it did..

My husband did not get married to a second wife. After all my warnings and threats of leaving he abandoned the idea. I don't know what happened to the women and children. My guess is that they moved on to another town.

He never mentioned a second wife again and I was happy with that. I managed to hang on to my husband but I didn't know that our time was running out.
His last words to me were that he had a headache and is going to lie down till Esha. He never read Esha namaaz that night, because he never woke up.

I was devastated by his sudden death. The man whom I have spent my life with, snatched away from me in a second. I mourned him for a long, long time.

Neglecting my children and the business. Soon all went to waste and we started losing everything one by one. First the car then the shop, then the house.

We moved in with my brother and his family. My 3 children and I crowded the house and my sister in law soon became annoyed by our presence. I needed to get out, to work and find a place of our own instead of living off the leftovers of others. But I had no skill.

When my husband was alive we lived comfortably. I had no need to go out and work or or equip myself with a skill. Life was very difficult for me and my children and I wasn't young anymore. I missed him everyday with every beat of my heart. How could ones condition change so drastically?

One day my brother told me that someone he knew is looking for a wife. He was a good person, good akhlaq and very pious. Perfect for me, but he wants me to be his second wife.

It's the second time in my life that the word second wife was mentioned to me. But how different the circumstances.

He came to my brothers house to see me. There was an immediate connection between us. I liked him and I liked everything about him. He told me that his first wife knows that he is intending to marry again but that she is obviously not supportive of the idea and that he doesn't know what her reaction will be when he tells her that he had found someone. His answer he said, will be dependent on her acceptance of Polygamy.

I started reading Istikhara that night. I so desperately wanted it to work out. I remembered so many years ago when the life of another woman depended on my decision and what my decision was. I felt contrite, I felt that because I did not give another woman a chance, a space in my life, that Allah will punish me this time around. I repented, not once in my life did I think my action worthy of repentance because I had done nothing wrong. I only protected what was mine.

Now that I am on the receiving end, I realized how wrong I was in denying another woman this PRIVILEGE of a husband.

I prayed that she will accept me.
He phoned me a few days later telling me that his wife is having a hard time accepting it but that she is willing to meet me.

I was nervous the day of the meeting. I prayed a lot the day before and asked Allah to help me. When I met her, she was a person, a woman like me . A woman who loves her husband and fears losing him.

She took my hand and with tears in her eyes said: " This is very hard for me, but I hope that we can be sisters"..

Her words broke my heart. All I needed in these dark days was a hand reaching out to me and embracing me, giving me hope and the will to carry on.

His wife was to me, the woman that I could not be and I will be forever grateful for that. I thought that no one could love her husband the way I loved mine, but she taught me the true meaning of unconditional love.

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